I wasn’t planning on sharing this post; I was just getting my thoughts out for my own benefit, but after writing it down I kept feeling like I should. I have no idea why, it’s not a particularly uplifting post, but maybe it’ll help someone else someday. Hopefully.
Tonight as I was tucking Duckie into bed (Husband usually does bedtime, but he’s working nights right now), I sang “Angel Lullaby” (from the play “My Turn On Earth” not the Reba McEntire one) to her. Duckie likes to repeat back things we say lately, and she really liked saying “angel friends” whenever I’d sing that part. I started thinking about how maybe Claire will be an angel friend for Duckie as she grows up; even though that’s a nice thought, I still started to tear up while singing.
I’m so indescribably sad that we won’t get to keep our baby Claire. But I know that it’ll be so much for better for her to not have to stay in this world that seems to be growing so much worse all the time. I feel so sorry and sad for Duckie because now she’ll never have a sibling close to her in age, and I’ve always wanted that for our children. I know it’s not the same, but maybe Claire will be with Ellie as she grows older and give her sisterly comfort when needed.
I’m really doing pretty well. I do often feel happiness and peace. It’s usually no problem to go about life as normal; but I’ve come to realize that no matter what there is this constant sadness in my heart, no matter how good of a day it is. I wonder if this feeling will ever lift or if it’s just mine to keep for the rest of my life. It’s almost like a physical pain — I feel like if I went to a doctor and got an x-ray, they could pinpoint the sadness in me it’s so strong.
Most days still go by pretty normally, but every now and then the sadness and pain is too much, and after I put Duckie to bed, I just go into my room and cry and cry and cry because what else can I do? Tonight is one of those nights.